The Art of Resolving Conflict.

Experiencing conflict in relationships is inevitable and can be a healthy part of learning to grow together. It has become popular to “ghost” or cut people off without notice in our culture today. This phenomenon can result in us feeling lonely and us having underdeveloped communication skills.

Learning to effectively communicate is rarely something that is modeled for us through family relationships or with peer support but is a crucial part of connection with others. It is more that we witness extreme forms of communication such as yelling, arguing, silent treatment, or issues being swept under the rug only to come up later in harmful ways.

If you desire to handle issues differently with people you care about, I encourage you to keep reading. First, I will say it takes courage and respect for self and others to effectively communicate in relationships. If you notice feeling lack of courage or self-respect don’t fret; these things can be taught as well. But for the sake of this blog, we are going to focus on specific methods to have communication work for you.

Now let’s get to the steps. Having a turnaround time such as 24-48 hours to address conflict is what I encourage the couples I’ve worked with to do as it ensures a time to deal with problems and not sweep them under the rug. I’ve had some clients need longer than that, but I encourage keeping the time as short as possible to keep accountability of working through issues.

Once you have a timeframe, I want you to think about what emotions you want to bring to the conversation (or how you want to come off). This is important because if you plan to come off calm when addressing issues, you must think about your body language and intensity of current emotions you are feeling. Time does normally help us to calm down but keep this in mind.

Next, establish location and timing. It is not helpful to try and resolve conflicts when someone is headed to work or school. Make sure it is a time where everyone can reflect and take in the information that needs to be said.

This next step is normally where people struggle because it requires some humility or loss of pride, but it is the most effective for addressing conflict. The step is to take some accountability for the conflict that happened. I tell clients even if you feel the other person was 99 percent responsible there is still 1 percent to claim as it normally takes two to have conflict. This is important because it disarms the other person and makes them more receptive to listening to what you have to say.

Lastly, discuss your specific concerns and a plan to move forward. And remember, you cannot control the other person’s response, but you can take the steps to give them space to hear you. Give this a try. I hope it helps you and your relationships.